IS Grief is a Cliché?

As a pastor, I have helped many people grieve their loss. People who have lost spouses, people who have lost a parent, people who have lost siblings, and people who have lost dear friends. The worst loss by death by far is the loss of a child. Our spouse may or may not outlive us. A sibling or a friend may or may not outlive us. We expect to lose our parents. But . . . our children are NEVER supposed to die before we do.

Loss by death is not the only loss mourned. You may mourn the loss of a beloved pet, or the loss of a job, or the loss of health, or the loss of memory, or the loss of control over anything in your life. Grief is not simple and is always difficult to grasp by the one who suffers but also difficult for their family and friends. We can, and should, mourn the difficulty that people close to us encounter. So, we are challenged to be there for the mourner.

I have been involved in two long term Grief Support Groups. One of the things that almost always comes up is, “No one really understands!” Even when I had several people in the same support group who had lost their spouses, their grief was always somewhat different. They had many feelings and experiences in common and could commiserate with one another around those. But, there were also things they alone went through.

One thing that everyone, with every type of loss, had in common in our support groups were well meaning family and friends who only made things worse. Those I call “fix it” people. If anyone has any compassion at all, they want to help those who are suffering, from anything. If someone needs food we help them find it or we give it to them. If someone needs a last minute babysitter, we volunteer. If someone needs an emergency ride to the pharmacy we volunteer to drive them. We have an inclination to “fix it” when we see it.

Grief is different. At funerals, we tell the grieving, “It will get better.” What we don’t understand is that most grief takes a lot of hard work, sleepless nights, and tears to “get better.” We want so badly to help that we try to “fix it.” But, not everything can be fixed easily.

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As a kid, I can’t say how many times my mother healed a scrape with, “Let me kiss it and make it better.” That was her “fix it” cliché “go to” with minor issues. Of course the mercurochrome and a band aide were just icing on the cake.

One time I was playing with neighborhood kids in my backyard. One kid threw a brick in the air. We all took off in different directions. The brick came down and bounced on a clothes line (yes, I am that old), and then onto my head. I was ok until I brought my hand down from the bump and it was covered with blood. I rushed to the house, through the screen door (told you I was old), and into the house screaming. My parents had company. All of the adults surrounded me. Someone brought a towel and wrapped it around my head. As my mother went to get her purse, the two male adults bundled me into a car and took me to a hospital. I’m not sure my mother kissed my father for a long time after he had left her at home while he took her beloved son who was bleeding to death to an unknown hospital for an unknown number of hours in an emergency room. My dad’s “fix it” mode had kicked in minutes too early and it cost him dearly.

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Before I tell you how you can best support someone in grief, I am going to note a few clichés that you should avoid.

If someone has lost their job, don’t offer to help them look through employment ads for a job, they might feel you are suggesting they cannot manage that simple task. Don’t tell them that their boss will regret him/her not being there, that’s bull and you know it.

If someone loses a beloved pet, don’t ever say, “It’s just a cat/dog.” To them it may have been raised from a kitten/puppy and feel like a close friend/family member they can talk to in moments of loneliness.

If someone loses their health, don’t say, “It will be alright.” Since it will never be the same again, it will NOT be alright.

At a funeral, don’t say, “God needed a new choir member” or “God needed a new flower in his garden.” Never, I say never, say, “They are in a better place” because the best place you could want for them is to still be here with you.

When someone’s prolonged grief makes you uncomfortable, never say “You have been going through this a long time. You should move on.” It is you who might need to “move on.”

If someone is crying and you think you know why, don’t assume, ask. Be ready for a long story that will be painful for both of you. If you are not willing to listen patiently, maybe for the umpteenth time, don’t ask just slink away quietly.

If you choose to be a listener, be a good listener. Don’t judge. Don’t interrupt. Don’t let your “fix it” instinct take over. Don’t try to unscramble the thoughts they share, that comes later. Just say, “Um huh” and nod your head occasionally. Henri Nouwen – “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” [1]

Some say grief never ends. Most say grief survives because love survives. Grief cannot exist where love never existed. The loss of a love results in grief. It is natural and to be expected. Grief is never healed unless love dies before it.

I tell those who grieve that they need to embrace it. The memories that cause sadness or depression are also memories of a life lived in love and togetherness. Do not throw them away or try to ignore them for that would be discarding or ignoring love. The loss can be devastating but only because the love that preceded it was so great. Remember the love. Remember all that went before grief encroached into your life.

There a a lot of good resources for those grieving and those who want to walk through grief with them. The book I have used since 2016 is Beyond the Broken Heart: A Journey Through Grief by Julie Yarbrough. I recommend it highly for those who have lost a spouse. Others I can recommend are Life After Loss by Bob Deits, Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg, and When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner.

“Real grief is not healed by time… if time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is only in retrospect – or better, in memory – that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain.” Henri Nouwen [2]

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[1] AZQuotes

[2] AZQuotes