Being Civil with Others

“There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”
― G. K. Chestertonhttps://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/listening

Yesterday, the 2nd, I had two difficult conversations about my faith. Today I had a conversation about the conversations that took place yesterday. All three conversations left me uncomfortable. I am not always the easiest person with whom to have a conversation, I know. I hold my beliefs strongly and seem overly assertive as I share them with others because of that (I have been told that by someone I respected and I believe it to be true). I am trying to revisit those three conversations now to see how I may have failed those with who I was conversing. Was I properly hearing and understanding? Was I being clear with the expression of my thoughts? Are my struggles similar to yours?

Many years ago as continuing education, I had a multiweek course in “listening as a pastor.” As a frequent volunteer pastor for KAIROS, a prison ministry, I went through listening exercises with every team before we went to prison for the three day weekend prison retreat. I know that, as I approach my 80th birthday, my memory is getting worse but these last three conversations make me want to pause and go through what is necessary if holding two sided conversations are to be civil and of value.

I will choose most of the following ideas offered by Susan C. Young (which reinforce and return to my memory the lessons I learned long ago but appear to have forgotten) as a guideline to examine my listening skills and perhaps inform your listening skills. Give Ms. Young’s listening steps your undivided attention (step 1) but take my added comments with a grain of salt. I don’t know everything after all

“14 Ways to Become an Incredible Listener

1. Be present and provide your undivided attention.
2. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
3. Listen attentively and respond appropriately.
4. Minimize or eliminate distractions.
5. Focus your attention and energy with singleness of purpose on what the other person is saying.
6. Quiet your mind and suspend your thoughts to make room in your head to hear what is said—in the moment!
7. Ask questions and demonstrate empathy.
8. Use your body language and nonverbal cues constructively and pay attention to theirs.
9. Follow the rhythm of their speech; hear their tone.
10. Repeat and summarize what you have heard them say to confirm understanding.
11. Be open-minded and non-defensive.
12. Respond rather than react.
13. Be respectful, calm, and positive.
14. Try to resolve conflicts, not win them.”
― Susan C. Young, The Art of Communication: 8 Ways to Confirm Clarity & Understanding for Positive Impact

“1. Be present and provide your undivided attention.” I knew that two of of those three conversations might be difficult, but I made my self grudgingly available for both, even if not with the greatest of attitudes. I was anticipating being challenged about topics previously discussed but not resolved. And then I allowed myself to enter the encounter with all sorts of defensive thoughts swirling in my mind. I was ready for war when I should have been seeking peace. (11. Be open-minded and non-defensive.)

Has this ever happened to you? Probably. Which leads us to . . .

“6. Quiet your mind and suspend your thoughts to make room in your head to hear what is said—in the moment!” I certainly broke this guideline, trampling it in the dust as I sat before my partners in conversation. As we used to say in our Emmaus retreats, “Don’t Anticipate!” Discussing any topic with others, a relationship, a discussion of beliefs, who is the family comedian, etc. must begin with an open mind if it is not you who sets the topic.

I guess I ought to say here that, making one’s self available to a conversation is a choice. There is no requirement that we make ourselves available. You can, and should, choose which conversations you have with care. As a supporter of Republicans you do not have to enter conversations with Democrats, or vise-versa. There is nothing to be accomplished by facebook/twitter/message-board/comments section posts that don’t even come close to including respectful listening and civility.

“5. Focus your attention and energy with singleness of purpose on what the other person is saying.” Being the one invited to the conversation, we must accept that we have been tasked to be “the listener,” the one who is to “13. Be respectful, calm, and positive,” and the other is the talker, who may or may not behave in a reciprocal fashion. If the conversation devolves into being disrespectful, frantic, or negative, you can leave and know that you were ready for a civil conversation. (3. Listen attentively and respond appropriately.) I denied myself this option twice and thus allowed myself to leave the realm of civility. If this happens to you, you made a bad choice, like I did, somewhere along the way.

Listening is about trying to arrive at common understandings NOT agreements, we are not arguing contract details. (2. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.) It is very hard to try and understand an opposing viewpoint. We don’t ever like to be found to be wrong in our beliefs. We always need to be understood but not always to be understanding. Your viewpoint is never as good as mine. Trouble is our partners in conversations feel the same about their viewpoints. So, if we begin with a serious attempt to be understanding, we might just have the chance of becoming better aware of others and ourselves.

One giant key to listening for understanding and being civil is “Do Not Interrupt.” “12. Respond rather than react.” This is perhaps the area where we fail the easiest.

Steven R. Covey writes, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Boy am I guilty of that. What we hear another say in a conversation might touch a sore spot. When we let that happen, and it is always our choice to react or respond, the opportunity for civil conversation and understanding is lost. Reacting is becoming defensive, disrespectful and/or negative. Responding is “7. Ask questions and demonstrate empathy,” and “10. Repeat and summarize what you have heard them say to confirm understanding.” Your choice!

As a part of my path in ministry I have had multiple occasions where something I said was misunderstood and when I tried to clarify I was told I recanted. Recanting basically means wanting to change something because the first thing wasn’t received well.  I was very pissed. I really was misunderstood and I was offering clarification. I wanted to be heard properly. So, I must try to always allow others to clarify because I know what it feels like to be denied that opportunity.

Yesterday’s conversations were a great opportunity to hear critiques of my beliefs and work on my listening skills. The first conversation, where I broke most of the rules for listening for understanding and civility, didn’t go well. Now, here’s the good news. The person I was in conflict with in that conversation asked if I would meet with him and another person of faith to go over the same intended content. For me this was a biblical moment, inviting another to sit with two in disagreement. It turned out well. While I was anticipating more difficulty, it turned out to be civil and we arrived at a common understanding – agreeing to disagree. I behaved much better.

I challenge you! When you are on facebook, twitter, or other social media and someone engages you in a contest of wit that is not meant to elucidate either of you, either quit the conversation or engage using the tools now available to you for listening and responding civilly (not reacting). When you sit down over turkey and dressing at Thanksgiving or Christmas, go ahead and discuss religion and politics using some of the insights from those whom I have quoted in this blog. When the mashed potatoes start flying instead of the turkey, drop back and disengage. Go watch football on tv. Which brings me to “14. Try to resolve conflicts, not win them.” I am often guilty of having “to win” every challenge of my beliefs and opinions, of having to show that the other is wrong and I am not. I am not so aggressive about football or basketball games.

Go Spurs Go!